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Monday, 14 April 2014

Confession of a seneschal

I was surfing the web a few weeks ago and came across a mysterious declaration from a man who claimed to be the Grand Master of the even-more-mysterious-than-he secret organisation known as The Priory of Sion. His name, I saw, was Eric Mader-Lin. Having read his declaration I decided that I believed him and his claim to Grand Mastership of the Priory. At the end of the declaration was a link to "The Priory Documents: Internal Correspondence of the Priory of Sion". The sight of the encoded documents excited me as much as the next 19-year-old Psychology student with an interest in codes. I printed the documents and sat down with a pen to try and crack the code. And what, I hear you ask, was the reward for my efforts? Discussion about books between Eric Mader-Lin and D.M.S. Then...disaster. The code changed! No longer could I consult the key - No longer could I find solace in reading another message about books and Dan Brown-esque Priory nonsense. I was lost! Darkness swept over the bright lights of my enlightenment, and my soul died.

Eventually I recovered from my melodramatic depression and set about cracking the new code, which I eventually did. I continued decoding the last bulk of the document, but took the precaution of working solely from my computer. I worked out that it was easier to have the new key and encoded documents side-by-side on a computer screen than on flammable paper. Finally, the finish line was in sight! I had three pages left to decode...and...DISASTER. My soul, like a phoenix, or a trite simile, had been reincarnated only to be cast down into the dark and fiery chasm from whence it came.
The cause of this second and doubly devastating disaster was a computer virus. I had been working in the University library the previous night, and evidently had downloaded a virus on to my USB memory stick. Not only did I lose the bulk of decoded Priory documents, but I also lost several essays due the following week. I panicked. What would I do? All of mine and S's hard work for naught! - I sought the help of the Grand Master. In a grand and masterful way I brown nosed him, massaged his (surprisingly tense) shoulders ego and explained the situation to him. I asked him if he, to spare me a lot of extra work to which I couldn't lend any time, could get me the key for the messages that had been lost to the computer virus. He being a Grand Master of courtesy granted my request under several conditions. This blog is one of those conditions.

I'm still waiting for the key, but then, I haven't fulfilled my side of the bargain yet. I haven't, as I have been instructed, procured for his use a box of matches and 100 copies of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code. I am confident that when I have fulfilled that most solemn of promises, I will be able to move forward with publishing the Priory documents so that all the world might enjoy a slice of de-mystified mystery.

I like this business of blog writing. It's cathartic. Not as cathartic as seeing a well-done production of King Lear, but quite a bit more cathartic than relieving oneself of mass amounts of excrement after a long day of holding it in. I know what you're thinking: this whole blog entry has been a mass amount of excrement. O give me a break. I'm a weathered, experienced and devoted seneschal in the Priory of Sion. I have seen things, done things, heard things and said things that you will never know! Not that you'd want to. . . Curiosity and cats, eh?

Your friend,

P.W., P.o.S.

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